Sticky! Muddy! Sandy! Messy!!!

Sticky!  Muddy!  Sandy!  Messy!!!

Sammy is one of the cutest and smartest kids I know.  But watch out when she eats.  One bite of brownie and walla….at least four brown spots now adorn her new light blue shirt and …. “Are you sure you got any of that in your mouth?  It’s smeared all over your face!”  Everyone who has met Sammy knows to lay out the plastic and change her nice clothes to something that can get ruined before any eating occurs.

Getting messy is actually a great way for kids, especially toddlers, to learn by experiencing life.  I know there are you moms who keep an immaculate home and getting messy sounds like a curse word, or worse, but here’s the secret.  Kids getting mess is a very healthy activity.  Don’t confuse this with filthy.  Messy and filthy are polar opposites. 

Especially during early life, not only is the body growing, but the mind is too.  For example, all the sensations in our hands communicate to our brains what something is, how it feels, smells, tastes, etc.  We didn’t learn that without having experienced it.  What does sticky mean, for instance.  Everyone reading this knows the answer to that.  Why?  Oh yeah, because at some point in your life, you experienced it. 

To go into the details of all that a child learns by getting messy could make for a long post and I want to keep this as simple as possible.  To simplify, crawling, touching, exploring, feeling, tasting, and so on, helps in the development of nerves, word use, understanding communication, and so much more.

Would you rather watch a documentary about your dream vacation or go there and live it?  Well, same goes for kids.  You may learn a lot from that documentary, but wow, to experience it gives you volumes.  And no matter how many times you tell your toddler that something is sticky, they are not going to get it until they feel what sticky is.

So find a special place for your child to go wild and get messy.  Lay out the plastic if you must, designate a corner of the backyard, or put them in the empty tub and let them go to it.  Put them in old clothes or strip them to the diaper if that makes you feel better, but let them get messy. 

Foods especially are ideal learning tools.  Allow your child to play with their food.  Stop worrying about the mess and think about what they are gaining.  Seem like a lot of work?  In the end, it may be less work and less frustrating than having to deal with hypersensitive or picky children, or children who are having developmental delays because they don’t understand simple aspects of life. 

As crazy as it may sound, giving kids a chance to get messy is really giving them volumes of learning.  So, provide some spoons for the dirt pile out back, a bucket for water, and some old clothes and let the learning begin.  Let them up on the cupboard when you’re cooking and let them break the eggs, pour the flour, or stir with a wooden spoon.  And don’t worry about the flour powder coating the kitchen floor or the egg white that is dripping from the edge of the counter.  You will be giving them not only some precious time with you, but also a whole world of exploration to learn from.  Now isn’t that a treasure?  They certainly will think so.

Kiss Power Struggles Goodbye

                Power struggles are a sure way of telling your young child they have control over you.  What you are actually telling your child when you lecture or threaten them is simply that you have no idea how to handle them.  They grow up feeling out of control.  It also affects their self esteem.  Think about it; if a child feels that their parents, who are the ones taking care of them, cannot control them, they must be pretty bad.  Someone bigger and with more experience has no idea how to help me control myself.  Scary!

                A good idea to help avoid power struggles would be to give plenty of small choices when things are going well.  You can refer to the choices article in this blog for more ideas.  Then, set limits that are going to work for you.  For example, your child doesn’t want to eat breakfast on time in the mornings and the struggle to get them to eat leaves you late for work.  Set a limit and enforce it.  Breakfast is available for so much time or until a certain time.  Once that time is up, away goes the food.  Will your child be hungry?  Once – probably, as long as you communicate with and have everyone on your team and he is not going to be getting snacks from his teacher at school.  It probably won’t happen again.  Next time, he will likely eat. 

                Be consistent.  This will not work if you are different every time there is food in front of your child.  At a restaurant you can do the same thing.  If they don’t want to eat their dinner, they have so much time and you leave the restaurant.  Later, they will likely be hungry.  Show empathy so they know you truly care, but stick to your guns.  They are only missing one meal.  Let them know that is what happens to you too when you refuse to eat what you have been given.  Follow up by reminding them that breakfast will really taste good.

                This may not work so well with older children or teens.  They may find ways of getting food later.  You could still give it a try.  Or maybe offer them food options that you are ok with instead.  Allow kids to have time to make a choice but not too much time.  If they don’t make a choice in a reasonable time, it becomes your choice.

                The above idea regarding breakfast is one example.  You can adjust this to anything else including getting dressed, getting in the car and safety belt, etc.  Experiment with ideas that work for you.  Make sure you are fair and give plenty of choices.  Don’t make things a battle.  Set limits; let your child know the consequences of their choice.  And very importantly… follow through.  Without the follow through, you are toast.  It’s not going to work.  Your child will not believe you.

                Good luck and thanks for reading.  Let me know how it works for you.

Help Stop the Biting

Biting – Ouch

                Biting is one of those behaviors that many children experiment with.  It is also a behavior that no one likes.  If your child is biting, there is always a reason.  And, if you want to eliminate the behavior, understanding the reason is a great help.

                Children bite in order to deal with a situation or to fulfill a need.  This may be that they feel threatened, it may be a way to express their frustration, perhaps it is an explanation that someone is too close in their personal space, or maybe they are fulfilling a need for oral stimulation.  The first way to reduce and eliminate biting is to understand the cause.

                It can also be broken down farther.  Consider the following possibilities.

Are they lacking language skills to express their frustration? 

Are they overly tired? 

Are they teething?

Are they overwhelmed by too many people, too much noise, bright lights, etc.?

Are they bored and experimenting with a new sensation?

There are many possible reasons and they may not always be easy to identify.  You may also consider who your child is biting; is it everyone or only certain people?  Is it only in defense or for no apparent cause?

If you have an idea why the biting occurs, it can be more easily dealt with.  If you are having problems identifying the cause, track the behavior.  Have a notebook handy and write down every time your child bites, the circumstances around it, and any identifying details.

Once you identify the reason, you can help.  If it is because they don’t like people in their personal space, remind the child to move or to have them ask the intruder to step back. 

Often times it is related to sharing.  If this is the case, you could use a timer and help each child

understand that when the timer goes off, it is time to give their friend a turn.

                When possible, make sure there is more than one favorite toy available.

                If needed, avoid having certain coveted toys around with groups of children. 

                If biting is due to an oral stimulation they are attempting to fulfill, provide something for them to bite that will not be negatively affected by biting it; such as a teething ring or other type of appropriate toy.  Provide snacks that give them oral stimulation such as crunchy foods or a small amount of peanut butter that makes them work it in their mouths.  (Not too much that it chokes them.  Take caution regarding allergies).

                When you notice a situation escalating or you see the signs of an eminent bite soon to happen, intervene.  Give your child a choice of options you are ok with that would distract or satisfy the impending bite.  For example: your child is starting to fight with another child over a toy.  Experience tells you he/she is about to bite.  You could get their attention and offer a choice – “Do you want to play in the kitchen with your dolly for a few minutes or would you rather sit by me until you feel happy again?”  At first they may not respond, but with consistency they will get the message that you will take action if they don’t decide.  If needed, remove your child until they calm down.

                Remain in control of your own emotions.  If the bite occurs before you have a chance to stop it, avoid aggression, yelling or anger.  Have a word or phrase that you use consistently to let your child understand you are not pleased with the action they took.  Remove your child to a safe place and allow them to stay until they have calmed down.  Once calm, allow an extra 3-4 minutes for them to think about what happened.  There is no use talking to them about it.  They know what they did.

                Consistency is the key.  If they realize what is going to happen every time they bite, they will think first.               

                Perhaps you believe it is because they become overwhelmed with their environment.  If they are biting because they are over stimulated by bright lights or too many people, avoid those situations as much as possible.  Provide situations for your child to play with children one on one and in comfortable locations for them.

                Try to schedule play activities or public activities around your child’s best time of day when they are well rested and well fed. 

                If language is a possible barrier, help your child learn simple sign language to express frustration and seek help.

                If your child is experimenting to see what happens, help them to understand cause and effect.  Give attention to the child who was bitten and help your child understand that they are crying because the bite hurts.  We don’t bite because it hurts.

                Make sure your child is getting plenty of activity to meet their needs.  If they are biting because they need more happening in their day, provide opportunities for them to get plenty of play and exercise in so they don’t feel they need to fulfill a physically active requirement. 

                Always remain in control of your own emotions.  Avoid criticizing or belittling your child.  Praise them when they do a good job to avoid biting. 

I hope this helps.  Give some of the above ideas a try and let me know how they work for you.  Good Luck!

TV and Toddlers

     How many people would choose a babysitter who did not watch the children?  Seriously?  What if the babysitter encouraged passivity and discouraged creativity; or worse, encouraged aggressive behaviors.  Not the babysitter of your choice?  Most parents would not let that babysitter near their children, right?  Yet every day children are given that exact babysitter by the same parents who claim they would not allow them in their home. 

                Believe it or not, that babysitter is called television.  Many parents do not intend to use television as a babysitter, but it happens.  Other parents have good intentions with the use of television.  There are many videos being published directed specifically towards infants and toddlers with the claim to help children learn.

                In reality, children are deprived of true learning opportunities when they are placed in front of a television.  Toddlers and infants especially are growing at astounding rates with brain and nerve development that is intricate and complex.  Their best chances of learning are during unstructured play periods when they find out what happens when they drop something, how it tastes in their mouth, or feels when they move it from hand to hand.  Placing them in front of a television set to learn their ABC’s decreases the opportunities for sensory experiences.  With unstructured play, children have a greater chance of developing creativity.  And, as a toddler, that is more what they need than the ABC’s.

                The Academy of American Pediatrics actually recommends that children under the age of 2 remain free of television and media exposure as much as possible.  They suggest that family activities are better solutions.

                Some of the problems from watching television may include ADD.  Attention disorders have been on the rise notably since the 1950’s when television was generally introduced.  In the 80’s when home VCR’s and other media became popular, the same disorders rose yet.  Obesity is another rapidly rising problem linked to watching too much television.

                According to the Academy of America Pediatrics, children watching TV around bedtime can create poor sleep schedules which can affect behavior, mood, and learning.  So what happened to playing outside and what is wrong with getting a little dirt on their clothes?  Nothing actually.  Those are the experiences that will help children with creativity, problem solving, attention to detail, and many other underlying skills that have more impact on learning the ABC’s than Baby Einstein. 

Choices

      One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is agency. What I mean by that is the power to make choices. It is not an unusual desire for a parent to want to protect their child, help them avoid mistakes, and solve their problems for them. But consider the message we are sending a child when we make their decision. What we say to a child when we make their choice is, “You are not smart enough to do this so I will do it for you.”

     Of course, that is not the message we are intending to give, but think about it, we actually take away their opportunity to make a mistake. And, like it or not, mistakes are what lead to knowledge. Each time we make a choice for a child, we deprive them of an opportunity to think about what may happen as a result.

     There are times when allowing a child to make a choice is not best however, and we need to understand where that line is. Safety first. If your child is making a choice to walk across a busy road, that could be a mistake that has too high a price.

     Think of it this way, can my child pay the price for this choice? For example, when a two year old insists on climbing on a step stool that is a foot high, they may fall. Is that one foot fall going to hurt them? Likely not more than a bump on the head or a scrape on the knee. That price is one that they can pay and learn a lesson from. Next time, they are going to think before climbing on that stool. If we continually pull them down from the stool, we make the choice for them and leave no room to learn. They have gained nothing but more curiosity and a whole bunch of frustration. And all too often, frustration leads to misbehavior.

     The great thing about choice is that it empowers children. They get to make a choice and they feel they are in control. But when a choice is presented, make sure you are okay with either decision. This keeps control in your court too and is a win win situation where both parent and child are okay with the outcome. It gives the child an opportunity to learn and tells them that we believe they are smart enough to make a choice. Learning with small prices while young will instill wisdom for those higher priced choices later in life.

     And likely, as your children grow, they will have more confidence in themselves and greater honor for you. And that calculation equals out to be a better behaved, happier, and wise child that grows into a successful adult. Now that is a reward worth working for.  

Every child is going to be different.  Just because your first child is calm and easy doesn't mean the second one will be.  This doesn't mean the difficult child is not as good as the first.  There may be reasons for the challenges.  Some things that may be the cause of their difficulty may include, sleeping, eating, or toileting problems.  Further, there may be sensory integration disorders that distort our vision of who they truly are.  Other problems could be unfamiliar people around them or they are in unfamiliar places.  They may be slow to adapt to changes in their routine or environment.  Remember to look for any causes for the difficult behavior.  You likely will find more success by treating the cause than by getting angry at the result of the cause.

When working with challenging children consider a few things.

 - Be flexible in what you expect especially if your child has any delays, medical problems, or learning difficulties.
 - Follow your child's lead.  Find out their interests and those things that have meaning to them.  They are more likely to respond to you if they believe you are interested in them.
 - Prepare your child for things that may be changing.  Talk about it in advance and give them frequent reminders that in five minutes the toys needs to be put away... four more minutes and the toys are going to bed... three more minutes...etc.
 - Think about how your child may react to something.  If you know how they are going to act in a particular situation, let them know what is coming.  Talk about it.  Prepare them for what is coming and make plans on how to distract them from reacting as they have done in the past.  You may even ask them what they think should be done.  Choices are very important for children to make.
 - Practice patience and see the positive.
 - If needed, seek help.  Family members and friends are good sources of help to provide a break or assistance.  You may consider asking a doctor for suggestions or contact an early intervention center to help provide you ideas and support.

Helping children have a better self concept will create a more successful adult.  Choices and consequences to those choices invite thinking.  When a child feels that others believe they can make a choice, it motivates positive self thoughts and self esteem.

Children need boundaries; they help them feel safe and loved.